Schwaeger: Ben
Professor Lawrence Jones: Ed
Lt. Branskii: Cody

Note: I, uh, didn’t intend to write a novella, but it seems I did. One which exceeds the maximum character limit. Ha hah, sorry! We picked the Ice playset but thought that, well, it might be more fun in space, so we transposed everything to an isolated asteroid fifteen minutes into the future. Ben and I were drinking buddies who needed to get off with sabotaging a scientific program. He and Cody were search and rescue volunteers who shared a crashed helicopter (now a short range “Hopper” class shuttle) on an ice ridge. Cody and I were clandestine collaborators and our location was a naval support force office. Eventually, there would be a twist, involving collateral damage, and misplaced passion.
And with that, we set off on a tale of sabotage, deceit, assault, alcoholism, and did I mention SABOTAGE?
--

We open on an asteroid, R-328, where fifteen miners, scientists, naval officers and assorted technicians have been drilling into the ice, analyzing core samples for anything of worth for potential large-scale mining operations. It's been going on for months, and is going to go on for at least nine more and it's dull, dull work. Boring is boring.

Zoom in on a recon vessel, piloted by a tech named Schwaeger and a naval lieutenant named Branskii. They are not happy. "A saboteur?" says Schwaeger, "Why did you tell them it was a saboteur? Now everyone's on edge!" It turns out that, in a fit of boredom-induced adventurousness, Branskii challenged Schwaeger to leap one of their multimillion-dollar hoppers from one asteroid to the next. It worked, but not well; the hopper was damaged beyond repair. "There must have been some sabotage!" they'd claimed, and it turns out the station believed it all too well. "Don't worry about it," Branskii suggests. "I'll take care of it."

Back in his office, Branskii is confronted by one of the geologists, a professor Jones. "Why did you say there was a saboteur?" he shrieks. "There's no saboteur!" Branskii things the doctor doth protest too much, and demands to know what's going on. Jones explains that, while there's no sabotage ongoing, there is a cover-up; sector G is rich in Turbidium, but nowhere else. "If we keep that a secret, then the mission moves on, we invest in R-328, and make a mint by tipping off a rival corporation." All Jonsey needs is access to the computer logs, and Branskii can be a part of the scheme. The lieutenant joins in, provided that all access to the computer goes through him, and promises that there will be no more discussion of potential saboteurs on the station. He calls in officer Briggs, who's on saboteur duty. Briggs hasn't found anything, and Branskii tells him to but everyone else on standard rotation, and focus his efforts on station logs. ALL the station logs. That should keep him busy.

Jones returns to his lab, where Schwaeger is already hanging out. They've been smuggling potatoes out of hydroponics, and Jonsey has been making truly abysmal vodka with it. It makes the nights pass faster. They drink, and drink, and Schwaeger bemoans the nine months left on his contract. Jones suggests that maybe, if there's nothing to find, the mission can end early, but Schwaeger says no... it's navy, they'll keep at it unless the place is losing money at an abysmal rate, and even then they'll need initiative. Jonesey has an idea: "What about the saboteur? If this place is a danger, it'll have to be shut down." Schwaeger thinks it would be keen, but knows there's no real sabotage going on. Jones also knows there's no sabotage, but he figured out how to make his money without waiting a year.

Cut to: Jones in hydroponics, opening an air pump, and being interrupted by the botanist, a Doctor Winfrey. She's quite fond of Jones. He's... not at all fond of her, but she did catch him wrench in hand. "Did you come to steal potatoes for your little still?" she asks. "I know about it, and I notice I've never been invited." She attempts a saucy wink with her good eye, and Jones shudders. But he's still a bit tipsy, so he runs with it. "Hey, why don't you put on something... skimpier... and meet me at my lab. I'll be right there." Winfrey runs off, practically singing. Jones shudders, and resumes sabotaging the station's air supply.

Meanwhile, Lieutenant Branskii sneaks up behind Briggs and chokes him until he passes out, shoves him in a hopper, and programs it to jump off toward the middle of nowhere. It doesn't go that well for him; a shoe is left behind.

Cut to: Schwaeger and Branskii, in a hopper, looking for Briggs. He woke up after the crash and managed to radio base. "What the hell were you thinking?" Schwaeger asks. Branskii defends himself: if Briggs was the only guy looking for the saboteur, and he disappeared, people would assume he WAS the saboteur! Schwaeger points out that, no, people would assume that he was MURDERED by the saboteur, and the mild manhunt would blossom into full paranoia. Also, there was a SHOE left behind. Branskii is a bit deflated, but only a bit.

They recover Briggs and send him to sick bay, and Schwaeger decides to get a drink. Jonsey beat him to it; indeed, Professor Jones has had several drinks too many, and is in his lab, brewing up more, and reading a truly abysmal love poem Winfrey wrote him. He had, it appears, an unpleasant night of it, but Schwaeger's seen Winfrey enough to not want any details. He asks why, and Jones explained that, "well, she walked in on me sabotaging the air pumps, right? I had to do something to distract her!" Schwaeger is shocked that Jones was actually doing his hair-brained sabotage, and reminds him that they all breathe air, and need it to live. Jones is sure that they're at 70% capacity... enough to make folks loopy but not life-threatening. Schwaeger asks what the professor plans to do when folks realize the air has been sabotaged and all evidence points to him. Jones dithers, but decides that he could lay the blame on someone else. Branskii! We say Branskii did it.

"But why?" asks Schwaeger.

"Because... he... he's trying to frame me?" Jonsey slurs. "Because he's jealous of me and Winfrey?"

"... try again."

"Ugh. Yeah. Oh! Because he's some sort of dirty cheat who wants to end the mission early and sell a valuable asteroid to a competing operation!"

That's true enough, and Schwaeger admits it could work, but that doesn't make it NOT a stupid idea. He decides that the better part of valor is to lock Jones in his lab from the outside until the poor boy sobers up some.

(To be continued)

(part II)

Schwaeger tries to avoid Branskii, but the Lieutenant finds him in the hall. They chat briefly, but before they can come to a useful next step (ideas Branskii suggests that get shot down: finish killing Briggs, and see what that clever Professor Jones might have to say) they're called by the station commander to Medical.

Commander Ford is waiting for them, as is a Briggs. It turns out, he didn't see his attacker, and Commander Ford has decided that the station needs to be on martial law. He doesn't know who to trust, but victims of sabotage should be in the clear. He hands guns out to a semi-conscious Briggs, a nervous Schwaeger, and an all-too-excited Branskii. "So if we find the saboteur we should shoot to kill?" Branskii asks. Ford suggests that remain a last resort. Schwaeger takes Ford aside after the meeting and confides that, hey, what if one of the victims here was faking their accident, so they wouldn't look guilty? Probably not the near-dead Briggs, or the guy who's bringing this up, but...

The two look at Branskii, flipping his sidearm's safety on and off gleefully. Ford curses. "Should you maybe call this in?" Schwaeger asks. Ford reluctantly agrees... but discovers he can't. "Communication has been cut!"

At this point, Jonesey, sick of his lab and still intent of framing Branskii, is crawling through maintenance shafts. He managed to hack open a wall panel and stumble through the wires and conduits, knocking most of them out and irreparably damaging the rest. Eventually though, be finds the airshaft above Branskii's office, which collapses, leaving him practically in the officer's lap. "What the hell?" Branskii tries to figure out what the drunk geologist is up to, but the computer has finally recognized that we're running low on air, and sounds an alarm. Bulkheads start dropping. Branskii ignores the drunken lout to grab the only suit nearby, which is a mistake: the drunken lout beans him with a length of thick communication conduit, and struggles into the suit before passing out himself.

Eventually, Branskii wakes, drags the professor to medical where the rest of the crew is biding their time until rescue happens, and dumps every problem on the station right in Jones's lap. The sabotage, the attempted murder, the millions of dollars in damage, it's all because of the drunk guy who's helmet is sideways and is wearing a boot as a glove. Ford is reluctant to buy this, but tromps off to Branskii's office to see the evidence.

As we enter the epilogue, the mission ends (how could it not!) and Schwaeger gets off R-328... only to learn that he's still under contract, and working a new asteroid just down the way.

Lieutenant Branskii comes off smelling like rose. He found the saboteur. The evidence is undeniable. He's a hero, you see, and treated to handsome bonus and brief vacation, which he uses to turn around and invest heavily in the asteroid he just abandoned.

And Jonesey... oh Jonesey. He's in penal colony SP-12, reading terrible poetry from Dr. Winfrey, and drinking himself stupid on toilet wine.

--

Oh man. That was DELIGHTFUL. And the best part is that, you know, the one guy who comes off smelling like a rose is the guy who totally tried to kill an innocent man for NO GOOD REASON. Oh Branskii, you are a lesson to us all: screw everything up for everyone as often as possible, and you’ll end up rich and famous and beloved.

BWAHAHAHAHA HAHA!!

Lol.

Sometimes it's hard to resist the novella. It's usually a sign that you had waaaaaay too much fun at a game. Oh no!

Jonsey has been making truly abysmal vodka

Lies! It was fantastic vodka. Space vodka.

She attempts a saucy wink with her good eye...

I just spit out my coffee.

Meanwhile, Lieutenant Branskii sneaks up behind Briggs and chokes him until he passes out, shoves him in a hopper, and programs it to jump off toward the middle of nowhere.

That was a good rules-influencing-play moment. Cody meant to kill him, but I grabbed the bad die and resolved against him, saying Briggs was still alive just unconscious, waking up soon enough to radio for help from the wandering hopper.

Schwaeger points out that, no, people would assume that he was MURDERED by the saboteur, and the mild manhunt would blossom into full paranoia.

That was a great heart-to-heart. The long pause as it sunk in was priceless.

…and reminds him that they all breathe air, and need it to live.

It's a fact! Look it up!

Branskii! We say Branskii did it.

"But why?" asks Schwaeger.

"Because... he... he's trying to frame me?" Jonsey slurs. "Because he's jealous of me and Winfrey?"

"... try again."

I can't explain why this was so funny at the time. But it was.

The repeated shtick of "but wouldn't someone sabotage themselves to make it look like they weren't the saboteurs?!?" was hilarious.

Sometimes there's an urge to protect your character and actually *solve* problems, be reasonable, explain things away, etc. Most of the time you're better off doing the exact opposite: have your character make terrible, impulsive decisions that you know will just wind them in hotter water or intentionally have them misconstrue the situation so they think the *only* solution is to do something that actually makes everything worse. That's the recipe for fun.

Branskii! We say Branskii did it.

"But why?" asks Schwaeger.

"Because... he... he's trying to frame me?" Jonsey slurs. "Because he's jealous of me and Winfrey?"

"... try again."

I can't explain why this was so funny at the time. But it was.

---

It was so funny at the time because of how much honesty was in your face when you said it. The quirk of your eye and the tone of your voice was absolutely perfect for that line.

In part it was a point that was so true that it couldn't be argued, no matter how intoxicated the individual was.

I am also thoroughly impressed that we were able to take the usually avoided Antarctic theme "modified to our needs" and made it so incredibly over the top hilarious.